Leonor Baskett: A final campaign swing for John McCain on 'Saturday Night Live'

We know the Republicans are short on cash in these last few days of the presidential campaign -– but have they really been reduced to raising funds by hawking campaign-related tchotchkes on the QVC home shopping channel?

With only three days until Election Day, that was the premise of the opening sketch on “Saturday Night Live," featuring GOP standard-bearer John McCain and Tina Fey in what she no doubt hopes will be one of her last portrayals of McCain's running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. (Click on the Read more link below to see the full transcript.)

“This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased air time on three major networks,” McCain starts off, referring to the Democrat's lavishly produced half-hour infomercial. “We, however, can only afford QVC.”

“These campaigns sure are expensive,” Fey says, running her fingers slowly over the fine fabric of her black suit -- a slick reminder of the $150,000 in clothing the Republican National Committee purchased for Palin and her family.

Among the wares the candidates are shilling:

10 commemorative plates, one for each of the 10 town hall debates between McCain and Obama: "They're blank," McCain says. "He wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates."
A limited-edition set of “Joe" action figures -– Joe the Plumber, Joe Six-Pack and Joe Biden: “If you pull this cord, he talks for 45 minutes!” says Fey.
“McCain Fine Gold” jewelry, presented by a smiling Cindy McCain channeling Vanna White: It's the perfect purchase for "someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle," the Arizona senator says. “It commemorates the McCain-Feingold Act, and also looks good with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy!”

"Look, would I rather be on three major networks?" McCain asks. "Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money."

The transcript of the opening sketch of the Nov. 1 "Saturday Night Live," courtesy of NBC:

SEN. JOHN McCAIN: "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain."

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

McCAIN: "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN: "These campaigns sure are expensive." (SHE strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

McCAIN: "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN: "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

McCAIN: "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as 10 commemorative plates that celebrates the 10 Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank; he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

FEY AS PALIN: "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for 45 minutes!

(SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.): "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden ..."

McCAIN: "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN: "Or keep deer out of your yard."

McCAIN: "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges, and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.

FEY AS PALIN: "Also too – sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

McCAIN: "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold."

(CINDY McCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

McCAIN (CONT'D): "It commemorates the McCain-Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy!"

FEY AS PALIN: "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners'? You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also, too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN: "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives: 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN: "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and overpriced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us?"

(SHE turns to a different camera)

FEY AS PALIN (CONT'D): "OK, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now, so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a bunch of these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em, OK? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

McCAIN: "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN: "Oh ... just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

McCAIN: "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So I'm here on QVC -- and, like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN: "And great deals on juicers."

McCAIN: "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember 'Country First'; as a reminder, all undergarments are non-refundable; and live from New York, it's 'Saturday Night'!"

latimes.com

Leonor Baskett

Sunday, November 2, 2008

A final campaign swing for John McCain on 'Saturday Night Live'

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